May 30, 2011

That time of the month.

Today I cried on the treadmill.

I cried because I was so happy that I was running my fastest 5k ever. (28 minutes flat).
I cried because summer is coming and many of my friends are leaving.
I cried because tickets to Europe are so expensive and I feel guilty that my parents give me so much financially.
I cried because there are so many orphans in the world.
I cried because I have to do my laundry by hand in my sink.
I cried because the North Koreans were drunkenly singing last night so I got little sleep.
I cried because I hate living in Ch.ina.
I cried because I love living in Chin.a.
I cried because I am getting a free PhD and have no debt and that's such a gift.
I cried because I was hungry.
I cried because I didn't lose any weight last week.
I cried because I'm lonely.
I cried because I'm 24 and single and my eggs are drying up.
I cried because my ex-boyfriend cheated on me then married the bitch but continues to call me.
I cried because my sister graduated from college and doesn't have a job.
I cried because they won't let me change my major.
I cried because I have to go to Shanghai to pay for my standardized test because they don't have an online payment option.
I cried because I feel lucky to have my life.
I cried because I'm so proud of myself for learning Chin.ese.
I cried because there are so many people who I still can't talk to about important things in Chin.ese.
I cried because I feel sympathy for my Chin.ese friends and their censorship.
I cried because I want a cat.
I cried because my mom's birthday was yesterday and that made me miss her so much.
I cried because I'm spending so many years so far away from my family.
I cried because I want pizza. And broccoli casserole. And cereal with milk.

I cried because I needed to.

It was cathartic. And I finished my 5K strong, empowered, self-aware, and with the knowledge that everyone leads a unique life - and this is mine. There are things I feel I am lacking (a cat, washing machine, relationship, language skills) but there is so much more that I have been blessed with (a scholarship, meaningful friendships, home, orphan work, cheap massages).

I scheduled another counseling session with the treadmill tomorrow. I have a feeling I'll be needing it.

walk slow. xoxo.


agapelife said...

I cried because I was so moved by Jessica's blog.
I can't tell you how much I miss you and our talks.
love you.

Mom said...

Wow! You should be encouraged by your fast 5k time!! Great job realizing all the great things you have going on in your life!

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