May 16, 2011

living among fools.

We must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves.
-Thomas Merton.

Today was another doozy on the school-front. Tears. Helplessness. Anxiety. Laying in bed staring at the ceiling because I'm too upset to do anything else.

It looks like they are not going to allow me to change my major. I guess it's my fault for even thinking that I had any freedom or rights to my own education. Silly me.

I was told that in a week I will be told if I can change my major but that the prospect looks bleak. I was also told that I am rude for standing up against my old professor.

Asserting yourself in any way in this society constitutes as rudeness.

I have no regrets.

Now I must mull around my choices. I can: A) be proactive and take the nasty emails I have been sent by my old advisor to the Dean of International Affairs, show him my face, make him see that I am not rude, and plead my case, OR B) just sit and wait my verdict.

Also I must think about the future. Worst case (and most plausible) scenerio...they just tell me no - what do I do? A) continue on for 3 years under a nasty man pursuing a PhD in a major that I do not ultimately want, OR B) walk. And to where?

Take the job in California? Return to my old university TESOL teaching job and re-evaluate life? I have a potential big girl job next year that requires me to be in I try to get a working visa and just do that? Do I look for online PhD's that can be done from here while I learn Chin.ese and work?

It's amazing that one man's horrible attitude is about to derail all my future plans. All this man has to do is sign my paper to change major and he refuses to do this. It's unbelievable. But totally believable after living here this long.

I don't want to go out like this. I don't believe my time here is done. I'm trying not to think of this as a huge door being slammed in my face.

Only time will tell.

walk slow. xoxo.


agapelife said...

your future is in his hands.
I am so proud of you for how far you have come there and trust that whatever decision you make will be the right one. None of this probably helps ;) but know you are loved and thought of daily in New Jersey!

Samantha said...

Hi! I think we went to high school together? Our moms know each other and were apparently talking about our blogs. Haven't read about your whole situation but I hope this old grumpy man lets you change majors. Good luck over there. Sounds like a great adventure.