Mar 7, 2011

uncomfortably honest.

I'm hurting tonight. Wasn't going to write about it, but it feels weird to not mention. Even here in e-world.

I was going to tell you how tonight I spent 6 hours at the hair salon. How they re-did my hair completely for free. How I love my hair. How much fun I had chatting in Chinese for 6 hours with the hairwashers and how I love my new friends. How I have a new group of "people" and how I feel so brave and awesome. How kind they were to me and how many awesome conversations we had.

But instead. You get to hear how I'm breaking into tiny pieces.

While I was sitting in the hairwasher's chair I got a phone call. It was the only person I have ever loved. My ex-Chinese boyfriend. The person I was planning to have a life with - or at least the only person with whom this has even been a possibility.

He's getting married October 30th.

And it's not to me.

He was "letting me know so I didn't hear about it from someone else." And asking if I would come. Ya, he's not the smartest crayon in the emotional IQ box.

I'm going to be very, very far away from Hangzhou on October 30th. It sounds like a great time for a weekend trip to Mongolia. Or Zimbabwe.

I thought I was over it. I thought I had moved on/matured/grow up. But I also didn't think I would have to deal with this just yet. I knew it would come eventually, but was hoping we would stop talking or I would at least have more time.

He said their parents are pressuring them. They are both nearing 30 - the age where if you are not married in China there is something wrong with you.

October 30th is almost 2 years to the day since our "togetherness" imploded.

My insides are melting. I feel like I lost a competition. All the feelings of rejection/being lied to/being mistreated/insecurity are surfacing again.

I swear to you I have enough China drama to write an encyclopedia of stories. Someone give me a book deal.

Or at least a ticket to Mongolia for October 30th???

Please and thank you.

walk slow. xoxo.


Miss Lynda said...

Hi sweetheart! Just read your latest and how my heart hurts for you. There is a phrase that I have seen, and will probably screw it up, as usual, but here goes. No boy is worth crying over. And if he is, he will never make you cry!

(Reread your comments/feelings.... lied to, mistreated, etc.) You have not lost honey, you surely have been spared. Love is never a competition, it is a gift to be shared. There is someone very special waiting just for you. It's a big world, so take your time and trust that when you least expect it..... Woo-Hoo! Love you!
Miss Lynda and Mr. Al

Hannah said...

Come to Prague in October! I miss you and I am so sorry. It's so hard to get over things like this. The emotions and memories are always so vivid, even when you don't want them. :( Praying for you! xo

agapelife said...

I'm so sorry.
when I found out my ex-fi was getting married a year and a half after breakup I was hurt too. IT's weird how unpredictable our emotions are.Let me know if you need something.
much love from new jersey

Jenna said...

i think if you wrote a book, it would be a knock-out. i mean, you're already halfway there. you are so brilliantly real and gorgeously human - any and all can relate and enjoy your adventues. our hearts beat for the stuff of life and to know that others experience the same - and you, my dear long lost friend, are so full of life that it oozes through your pores. i get sticky reading your blog. write a book. find a new, exotic place where you can just sit for a while and stare at the Maker's face - give him a chance to tell you what he thinks about you, and then write your book. And bring me back a souvenir.

Ke Xiao Mei said...

thanks, friends. I appreciate the love and send it right back to you! xxooxoxox

Mom said...

Remember, she has not "won". He was willing to date others while dating her and not feel the least remorseful. That is the difference in their culture and ours. Do you want that? I don't think so.
Mrs. Lynda and I think you need to find a TALL, European and go to the wedding. Knowing that it is YOU who has won in this adventure. You have won a life free from his lies and manipulations. HE knows the what the future has for you and it will be GREAT!

Anonymous said...

oh jg... thats awful. if it makes you feel better, im sure he's not truly happy with her (there's no way she's cooler than you.) i love you. buy yourself some chocolate and lots of alcohol.