motivation. or the lack of.

Emotions.

They suck sometimes.

I'm in a high of life and a lull of school and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have zero motivation for school.

Like, zero. Zilch. Nadda. Ling.

I have more motivation to pick my butt than to do anything related to my school.

I think it's a joke. If they emailed me tomorrow I have to leave, I think I would just email back, "ok." That's how numb I am to this whole thing.

The problem is that I have a job I love. I want to just work here and be happy. This whole school thing is crampin' my style. Sitting in class not understanding, being handed books you can't read, and getting text messages you don't understand is not my idea of awesome. And I think getting your PhD should be awesome. Or at least educational.

The problem is I am not learning anything. I'm not learning Chin.ese. I'm not learning education. I am learning how to deal with the ridiculous school system here, but that's about it.

I don't want to go to class tomorrow. The thought of it is repulsive to me. Being stared at by ignorant classmates who know nothing of the outside world and being told by my teacher that I am, "not one of them," doesn't sound like the way I want to spend my afternoon. If I go, I will cry. Or be really rude. If I do not go, then I risk not passing the class (but how can you pass a class you do nothing in? This boggles my mind).

The thing with these emotions is that I want them to change.

I explained it to a friend recently, that it is like the experience is an umbrella. The umbrella is in tact and sturdy, but there are ways for rain to get in around the sides. And I need to cover the sides. The sides are all the small feelings and circumstances, but the main idea, the umbrella, stays firm.

I know I won't quit. But I'm apathetically moving down a path that is not good (not going to class, avoiding my class monitor's phone calls, not doing an online test, and texting my advisor that I don't care.) These are not good behaviors, but they are how I'm dealing with my feelings of nonchalance.

I hope this passes soon. That I wake up with a spurt of gumption and desire to do this degree to the best of my ability - however that looks in a Chin.ese environment.

I don't want to have the end of the year arrive and me regret a decision I made based on emotions or lack of motivation. These little decisions add up to something big, and I don't want to have my attitude change later on and then regret something I did during this lull. I'm aware of the umbrella - but feeling the water sprinkle in.

But until it passes, I am asking myself these questions:

When do you tell yourself to suck it up and keep going and not be a quitter, and at what point do you decide that maybe something just isn't for you and there is another path that is better? When do you know to give up something that makes you unhappy? And when do you put your head down and grin and bear it?

I just don't know.

walk slow. xoxo.