Oct 19, 2010

pumps and fans.

Today was good.

Which is good because it means I've been drug out of a major low.

Yesterday in my 8am class I plummeted low. I have been entertaining negative thoughts about my schooling (hence why it doesn't appear very much here in bloggy world). I looked over at the hilarious British girl next to me and whispered, "I'm quitting." Thing is, I meant it.

I hate my classes.

hate.

hate hatity haterific hate.

I had forgotten about the reason why I am involved in this mess of a school system.

For a few weeks my feelings were growing - snowballing slowly. Until yesterday I was sitting in class and couldn't take it anymore.

I went to lunch with my dear friend Hannah. As we were sitting waiting for our food I told her about my low point and how I needed to climb out of my hole or risk wallowing in negativity for several years - or worse, become a PhD dropout. (dun dun dun).

She echoed my sentiments (albeit not as dramatically) and we decided to find a solution. We needed to get back to the "why" of our schooling. We needed long-term perspective.

We talked about what is in our "motivation box." What can make us more motivated, more content, and more willing to work hard, rather than sit and let all this happen to us like lame ducks.

I realized, my motivation box is full: learning to read and write Chin.ese, love of Chi.na (yes, surprisingly, I do love this ridiculous country), deeper cultural understanding, networking, money (where else would I get paid to go to school?) and who seriously graduates with a PhD and no student loans!?, responsibility to my family, hopes of my dream job upon completion, having an impact on education reform, deepening relationships that have been built over the past 2 years, an ability to learn about education from a new point of view, being called "Dr. Griner" in 4 years...

but most importantly:

God gave me this gift. I have to work hard. I have no choice but to make the most of this opportunity.

I realized that I had begun to feel like I had given my life to Chi.na and was not recieving much back except for losing touch with friends and everyday discomfort.

But I realized sitting at lunch that that was just the opposite of the truth.

I have not given my life to Chi.na only to receive nothing back. I have given my life to God and will recieve everything. More than I can even imagine.

That was a nice refresher. I don't want to go into that hole again (though, I probably will. Kick me if that happens, will ya? :) )

Tuesdays are my long days at school. I am taking the equivalent of about 17 credit hours (and working and leading the orphan/outreach at chrch). Tuesdays are really exhausting because I have class from 10:00am-4:30pm straight, then have to prepare for work on Wednesdays.

That's a lot of Chin.ese going in.

But today, I was tired, but content. I didn't want to jump off the roof like I do most Tuesdays. It was manageable.

This cheesy "motivation box" just might have worked. Perspective: word of the year.

On a less serious note (wheww, I've been draggin' you through the mud lately, haven't I, little bloggy?)...

Does anyone want to sign up for the International Conference on Pumps and Fans? I hear they have openings...

I saw this sign on campus while walking to class this morning and had to snap a photo...what does that even mean?



walk slow. xoxo.





2 comments:

agapelife said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ellie. said...

Can I sign up? Pumps sounds fun. I'm so happy to hear you're in the process of rediscovering your direction. I'm looking forward to playing the "doctor," "doctor," "doctor" game with you. You can do this. I believe in you. You are so strong and have never given up on something so important (even though I think you like to act like you will, hehehe.) I a proud of you every moment of everyday. You are one of my best friends and I love you. You can do this. I know you can, and you know you can. Think of how we'll laugh about this when you have your PhD and we're cuddling together in Florida once again. Love you.