lately.

I am trying my best not to be self-absorbed lately. There is so much going through my head that I feel like I am constantly thinking of myself, which makes me sad.

I have no idea where I will live in 3 months. I love my job but feel like my life isn't "progressing" now that I have a masters and have totally figured this thing out. I love my apartment, the location is fabulous and I have it decorated just perfect. There are so many memories in my home of happy people whom I love.

I had my dreams set on a next step that has just come crashing down. I was not expecting this and am taking it as a re-direction, or possibly a reality check. I was planning on staying in Chi.na possibly another 4 years. Getting another degree and perfecting my mandarin. The hope was that after 6 years in Chi.na, a place I feel connected to and have an intense relationship with, I would be set inthe professional world. I would love to teach people how to teach English and use my experiences here as a backdrop for the rest of my life. But, alas, there must be another way.

Well, this option of a degree is now unavailable.

So now I have to make a decision I was unprepared for. On June 30th when my visa expires, where will I go?

I have no idea. And I do not feel prepared to make a decision. I just want to wait and am hoping it will come to me in the next month when I have to tell my job if I am staying.

An obvious choice to me seems like I need to stay here for a 6 month contract, travel next Spring Festival, then hopefully have found a meaningful job in Amer.ica. I don't think that 3 months is enough time for me to close out my life here. I am not mentally prepared to leave my friends, my routine, my home, my purpose here. But I don't really see a point in staying for any pro-longed period of time just twittering away my 20's. I'm so conflicted.

There's two very opinionated sides to this stay or go argument amongst the expat circles.

1. "You are young! Enjoy your life! Make the most of travel and new oportunities because when real life hits, these experiences will not be realistic. Enjoy a life without bills and taxes and learn a new language, experience culture and life like others wish they could. Don't rush real life, learning is everything. And what you learn here will impact you forever. There are so many places left to travel, why bail out now when you don't have to? Your friends here love you and you love them, is it really time to leave?"

2. "Grow up. Don't become stagnant. If living abroad is wearing you down and changing you to become hardened, this is no good. Who really wants to live in a repressed society anyways? If you have the chance to live in fre.edom, take it! Move up in the world, get a good job and make something of yourself. And if you stay here, who knows when you will "settle down"? What if you never settle down? What if you die without grandchildren to tell your stories to? Get a grip and go home. Even if you forget where home is."

So there you have it, little blog.

There's some big decisions to make.

My brain feels crowded. :/

Walk slow. xoxo.