a spark.

It always happens this way.

I don't know why I am so doubtful and faithless. I should see it coming every time.

Every time I think the world is evil, that I am surrounded by darkness and wallowing pitifully in a sea of emptiness...a tiny spark shows up.

This time in the form of people's care for the orphaned.

Last week during our Saturday afternoon lunch ritual, Dr. Xu informed me that he would be picking me up at 8am next Saturday so our lunch was off. "Where are we going?" I asked, used to this kind of non-invitation invitation. "We're going to help the babies," he replied. All the response I needed.

Michael is an incredible force of a person (I seem to be surrounded by amazing people). After introducing him to L from the rehabilitation center last Chrstmas, the orphan program has exploded under Chin.ese care - a foreign aid person's dream. I know that I could walk out of this country tomorrow and the orphan program would last beyond me - it does not need me. This is humbling and awesome. I've learned in the past few years that I am not really the person called to DO incredible things, I'm the person called to LINK incredible people. And then cheer them on and go for the ride. Great by me.

Michael picked me up and we drove around town collecting people before congregating at the center. As we were picking up one doctor, Michael said, "He is an ENT doctor. Ears, Nose, Tears." "Um, Michael, isn't it ears, nose, throat?" hahahaha. We didn't let him live that down. SO funny.

We eventually met our group of 15 - 5 doctors, some pharmacists, some family members, and random me. As it was most of the group's first time at the center, they had a formal meeting at the round table. After being made to introduce myself in Ch.inese, I ducked out of the room to hang out with L in the hallway. I'm not really into this formal stuff after 4 years of going there.

While the doctors did their doctor thing, I did my Jessica thing which is - collect children. (Everytime I go there I wish I was more useful and contemplate nursing school. Then I remember that I can't even get my blood pressure taken without freaking out and I dismiss the thought. ha.) Hugs it is.

I love my people. And those baby eyelashes. This little dude in the top left is a dwarf - no other ailment. He really tugged at my heartstrings. Everytime he would go down the slide, he would bang his head because his body preportions are off. He's head-heavy. So he finally retreated to his corner in a fit of tears. Precious baby.

The mundane reasons these kids are abandoned are so sad sometimes. (well, all the time). This is just the way it is in a country with a one-child policy and no social security system. The one kid is required to care for his/her elderly parents. If you get a non-perfect kid...it's gotta go.

Can you find the little downs syndrome boy in the balls in the top left? I was just wandering about and asked the ayi's (worker women) how I could help. They giggled and dragged me outside for a photo session on the roof like they had been scheming it all along and were just waiting for me to approach them. Presh.

Then it was lunch time -for the babies and the big people. The center fed us bamboo shoots, sliced pumpkin (my fave!) and preserved vegetable. Our lunch time convo centered on the english translation for "preserved vegetable" (I had no idea) and me giving people's kids English names. Towards the end of lunch people started handing me their un-eaten bowls because since I am, "so big," I should, "eat more." Bah.

Then I got a lesson in durability. If this little leg-less boy can but his own chair away by hobbling on his knees like it ain't no thang- I can suck it up on many occasions. Humbling. What a little rock-star.

Group photo with the lovies.

And my ultimate lovies, Michael and L. Two of my fave people in the universe and two of my heroes. Two inspiring, relentless, giving people in the face of adversity that I will never fully comprehend. The fact that my favorites are now partners in good is AWESOME. It's like an orphan care power team.

While this photo was being taken I yelled out, "L sandwhich!" No one understood me. Haha.

While compiling the pictures back at home, an old camp song crept into my head. I realized that this was a spark. That there is good in the world, people who are working against odds greater than any I will ever know, and I need to buck it up, scrape myself off the valley floor, and truck on.

We all enter the valley sometimes - hard times, sadness, uncertainty, fear...it's part of the human experience. But we can't stay there forever. There's orphans to care for, people to feed, languages to learn, bridges to build, work to do. Today was just what I needed. I should have known it was coming.

It only takes a spark to get a fire going

and soon all those around can warm up in its glowing

That's how it is with Gawd's love

Once you've experienced it

You want to sing, it's fresh like spring

You want to pass it on

I wish for you my friend, this happiness that I've found

You can depend on Him it matters not where you're bound

I'll shout it from the mountain tops, I want the world to know

the King of Life, has come to me

I want to pass it on.

Experience any sparks lately?

walk slow. xoxo.

hunger games, lancelot, castration.

Excuse my short blog absence.

I have been reading The Hunger Games.

OMG. So good. I read the trilogy in the last 3 days. I carried my kindle with me everywhere and even logged 1.5 hours on the elliptical because I didn't want to take a break from reading to ride the bus home. My feet went numb but I was too enthralled by the book to care.

It was so fabulous to read something that did not have to do with teaching methodology or Chi.nese philosophy and was written in simple English. It felt like me again - absorbed in a book.

Things are winding down and I'm about to have a decent break to do life - marathon train, catch up with friends I haven't seen while doing my crazy amount of travel, start tutoring again since I'm broke, and maybe do some day trips around town. And orphan work - the most important thing.

My school is on the quarter system and right now there is a 2 week break between quarters so I am free of the classroom for a few weeks. (cue the angels). I do, however, need to bust my butt to learn something in this time off so I stop looking like such a doody-head worthless white person. Maybe I'll read some philosophy. Or find a new young-adult trilogy to read. Either one.

I'm slowly but surely making my way back to the world of stable people after my work incident from h-e-double hockey sticks. (clarification - I did not go crazy, a student did). I'm still sticking mostly to myself and declining social offers though - hopefully my need for constant solitude will end soon and I can trust myself to be sociable again. I declined an offer to participate in a Chin.ese student poetry reading last night. I just don't have the energy now for Chi.nese strangers - they take so much out of you. All the, "Where are you from? You are so tall! Can we make friends?" can really wear you out. But soon. The mojo will come back.

I'm working really hard at not harboring bitterness. I don't want to feel superior or prideful or angry at my place of living. These are all real feelings and that I am warding off - slowly but surely. I've formed extreme judgements (based on truthful observations, but not worthwhile or helpful in any way) and I'm working to clear those, too.

It's one thing to say, "Mental health care in Chi.na is a new field and hopefully will develop along with other social systems in the decades to come." And another thing to say, "Screw the ignorant fools who lack common sense and good judgement and treat people like crap, they'll never change." Right now I am somewhere between those phrases, working my way to the first phrase. (this is honest stuff here, people).

In better news, the funniest thing happened today in one of my observations that I don't think I can even do justice with the written word. One of my students asked his students where they would like to travel if they could go anywhere. A young dude in a purple hoodie rose and said in a contrived British accent, "Well, as you know, my English name is Lancelot. So I would go to England."

I almost burst out laughing. It was such a classic moment. My student and I laughed about it after class over bowls of steaming dumplings. What a hoot. I really love my students and love helping them be better teachers.

Enough random thoughts, have some random pictures!:

Street propaganda is my favorite...

this lady sells toys outside the hospital from under a canopy of umbrellas...

I showed up to class yesterday to find this...an empty room. They ended class and did not tell me, "Oops, didn't tell the foreigner". This did not make me feel good. I was pretty upset about it until I got a text from one of my classmates, "It is like we take a joke to you." And then I lightened up and laughed.

I'm trying to figure out how to go about getting Mr. Mushu kitty neutered. He's 7 months old now and it's time to steal his manhood and tame him down. This is a big deal though, because vet care is also not very advanced here (why treat animals when you can eat them - makes sense in developing nations). I have a friend whose cat died getting neutered and the vet tried to give her a different cat and say it was hers. Finally they relented and gave her her dead cat in a box. I am PETRIFIED this could happen to Mu. Petrified. So I'm debating - neuter or not? Is it really necessary? Almighty Google is mixed on the issue. I tried talking to Michael about it, but after some translation problems ("neuter" translates to "castrate") he thinks it is not necessary to do this to any animal. I'm going against language and culture here. (how about that for a random Friday rant on the bloggy? haha. This is my life).

Baby boy blues...

And that's my life.

I hope yours is well, wherever you are.

*And may the odds be ever in your favor.

walk slow. xoxo.

*Hunger Games!

possibilities and challenges.

Photos/Snippets from today:

observing a student at the China Academy of Art and Design...

walking to West Lake after the observation via the, "Heaverly Wind over Wu Hill...?"

pagodas and weeping willows...

reminding myself that I love my city, especially now that the weather has taken a turn for awesome...

then the gym, night class (final one of the quarter!), cafeteria take-out (cabbage, eggs, tomatoes, rice) and back home to my baby boy kitty doodle...

A productive, good day. Work, school, gym, healthy food, and a breather by the lake.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.”
― Thomas Merton

And I didn't flick anyone a bird today so + 5 points, me. :)

walk slow. xoxo.

metaphorical poo.

Yesterday the metaphorical poo hit the metaphorical fan.

After my work situation reached an all-time stress high, I walked a few miles to retrieve my bike from a hopital where I had left it when I first responded to the emergency.

I found it to be stolen.

While walking back I broke things off with theguy I have been seeing for 6 weeks.

Then I just broke. I found a squatty potty and sobbed in a stall for a few minutes which felt so great. Sometimes you just have to cry it out, especially after staying strong through a crisis for so many days.

Eventually, I ventured back out into the street filled with Chin.ese tourists to walk back to my campus and meet a friend (misery loves company).

While walking, I openly cried - which did not attract any more attention than I normally do. Ha. I walked slowly because I just didn't have any more fight left. So there I was, crying and slogging along a bamboo-lined road when a monk in a golden robe and shaved head approached me. He handed me a Buddhist track and told me to, "kan yi kan," or, "have a look."

I flicked him a bird and kept walking.

So yesterday will go down as the day I flicked off a monk. (I realize this is bad behavior, but it is also hilarious to me.) In what world does that happen? This one.

Dear crisis,

Thank you for the chapter in my future book. It's gonna be a good one.

Love,

JG

walk slow. (and keep your head up.) xoxo.

vague but necessary.

It's been a hard few days.

I can't talk about it in depth because of the private nature of the cirumstance and the public nature of a blog, but this blog is my journal so I want it recorded that this happened here. At this point in my life archives. For my own memory.

I also want to be recording what I observe and learn as I process the experience and as it comes to an end in a few days. So bear with me and my vagueness. I'm hoping to be able to write the story after some time passes.

In every leadership position I have had, there has been some type of personal crisis. It happened to a resident when I was an RA, it happened to one of my staffers when I worked at summer camp. And now I've navigated yet another emergency, this time on a larger scale, as a professor. (I wish God would realize that I am just a doody head and stop making me have to deal with heavy stuff in a leader role.)

Last night I did not feel good. I felt strange and sad - affected by the events and thankful that I have a kitty bug at home to keep me company and cuddle with me. (best spontaneous purchase I ever made). This morning, after a cup of coffee and strawberry oats, I feel much better, more clear-headed.

Here are my thoughts as of now:

1. I am so thankful to be an American and have the American medical system. Yes, people complain. Yes, the bills are outlandish and the industry has issues. But our culture has a developed sense of self and a deep-rooted sense of responsibility to mankind. What took two days and me screaming and yelling in Chin.ese would have taken one hour in America. The mental health care system here is despicable. Horrendous. I want to say more, but can't because of no free speech. But I can say, that I have been through another experience where I am so thankful for my country and my ability to navigate this one.

2. I am thankful for my Chin.ese skills. I kind of surprised myself by my ability to deal with the heaviness of the event in mostly Chin.ese. I think it was adrenaline and the fact that I work well under pressure. I did not need to pause to translate in my head before speaking - I just spewed out demands without thinking - leaving Chin.ese professors, doctors, and nurses shaking in their boots - and ultimately doing what I said. (suckers). I have more confidence now to face my PhD classes, where I often feel beat down language-wise, because hey, if I can do this in Chin.ese, surely I can pass, "Philosophical Thoughts of the Han Dynasty," in Ch.inese.

3. No man is an island. I am so incredibly humbled and thankful for my posse of students who supported me along the way. I really can't believe the outpour of love that I felt from my students. It is humbling in a way I've never experienced. A student stood by me as I made tough decisions, held my elbow as I signed my name where I didn't really want it to be, and took over some duties when I was too mentally exhausted to continue. They laughed with me through the hardship, brought me chocolate and diet coke (they know me so well!) and waited in the hallway for 2 hours while I was in another place doing my professional duties. They allowed me to talk incessantly as I verbally processed my feelings and showed deep compassion to the circumstance when my well had run dry. We group hugged when it was all over. And I think we all feel a heightened sense of closeness. I could not have made it through as a pseudo-leader without my incredible support system. I'm just so thankful and aware of the necessity of community.

Now I am going to go to Walmart, go to the gym, read some school books, and meet Dr. Xu for dinner and a chat. Then I am going to drink 100 mojitos with my friends who just arrived back from the Philippines. (ok, maybe just one - too many calories). All the while, directing calls between many sources until our recent event is over (won't be over for a few days, though my responsibity now is just to be a people-linker and information-transferer).

I'm just trying to move forward with strength and leadership and a sound mind-- big words that require coffee and good people, but do-able nonetheless.

Whatever you are going through, (because let's face it, I'm not the only person who's had a hard few days in the world,) you can get through it. Maybe you'll surprise yourself with some skills, maybe you'll be jaded by incompetence of others, maybe you'll be humbled by the giving and care of people around you. But most of all remember, when you are weak, He is strong.

And go buy a cat.

Thanks for listening to the vagueness, dear blog.

walk slow. xoxo.

thoughts on teaching.

The most repeated commandment in the Good Book is, "do not fear."

It's in there over 200 times. (heard this once and never forgot it.)

One day when I write my story, I will remember this week as interesting. Different than the rest in that there was a conglomeration of emotional need swirling around me. And in a twist of roles, I was the giver of care rather than the recipient.

Being a teacher is an emotional job. If you do it right. (so is being a friend).

I've learned that it does not matter if my students are Chine.se or American, they still have needs and desires, and dreams and fears that require a teacher's presence. A tangible, personal guide.

I have fear that I am not adequate enough to be that person for my American students. When confronted with a phone call from my boss today to, "take care of" a situation - I instantly had a jolt of fear that I am not mature enough, grown-up enough, experienced enough to "handle" things.

Dude, I'm a mess myself. I wanted to say to him.

But then I remembered my role as teacher. It is not a role that requires perfection, but rather, empathy. I do not need to have all the answers, I just need to be able to point my students in the right way to find the answers themselves.

Thats much less scary of a task.

Today I am thankful for my job. I am thankful to be a teacher. I am thankful that my mom is a great teacher so that I have an example. I am thankful to have my career jump-started while living in Chi.na.

While taking care of my, "first of many incidents," according to my boss, I am reminding myself, so that I can remind my students, "do not fear."

Easier said than done. But we forge ahead, nonetheless.

walk slow. xoxo.

in the words of my homeboy...

If you think in terms of a year, plant a seed; if in terms of ten years, plant trees; if in terms of 100 years, teach the people.

Confucious

We're trying, dude.

walk slow. xoxo.